I was walking home from the MRT station today at about midnight and zoning out to music as usual when, at the quieter area around Serangoon Ave 4, I suddenly realised that there were two Indian construction workers lying on the pavement I'm walking on a few metres ahead of me, probably trying to get some sleep.
As with how thinking goes, we are often more aware of the result of our thought processes than the thought processes themselves. A barely noticeable flurry of thoughts came and went and at that moment, all I could be bothered to be aware of was that I felt a very profound sadness about the whole situation.
I was reading stuff when I just suddenly thought about how terrifyingly influential the things we leave around the house can be especially to our other family members. Pills, knives, dollar bills and watches, to name a few. The innuendoes people associate with things we drop in insiduous, subconscious but visible corners can overlap with the angst and fears amongst other bad emotions they have from their day to day lives, and become a sickening constant reinforcement of how they eventually perceive the world to work, even without knowing it.
Anyway, I also just considered and entertained the possibility that I might be someone who prefers it that people do not change. It's not that I feel threatened by the unpredictability of people that I know and much less the longing for specific moments in time (especially the good ones) to remain as they are, but rather more of in a dynamic sense - that people have their roles and characters to play within the social framework that makes up my life as a stage and I'm fond of that. I guess in particular I treasure uniqueness and personalities, even if they're bad ones.
One aspect of this is happening with increasing salience as people grow from kids into adults. Before university, everyone had a personality that was more or less concrete in a reckless manner, especially because JCs and secondary schools provided the comfort of cliques we thought would last forever and we were accepted as who we were that way. Once broken up and individuated into a more 'serious' place, as declared by society, like university - the precursor to being completely accountable for everything we do - we hide our past because we do not know everyone, while functioning according to the new norms of adulthood which we can only learn along the way. And everyone assumes that we won't be understood if we continue behaving with the quirky and idiosyncratic personalities we had back then. Not wanting to make mistakes and to make things as smooth sailing as possible, who we once were gets compromised. The final sparks of childhood are fading away.
Childhood quirks aside, principles and values in people and the opinions that they have that make up their personalities and character can change too, and that is another aspect I'd prefer to remain the same if possible. I have no idea if it's just me, and even then with adequate thought I've concluded that it's merely a preference.
The exams are FINALLY here. Space between now and the papers always breeds a certain degree of denial which can be a bother to put down. Now life is beginning to have a degree of certainty.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Alexisonfire - Rough Hands